“Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life.”
ebook, 334 pages.
Read from November 26, 2019 to December 4, 2019.
This is the second book I decided to read on grief, not really for myself but with the aims that I would recommend it to a loved one dealing with their own grief. This book has been touted as one of the best books on grief, specifically about spousal grief, of which I hope I never have to experience soon. The first book I picked up on spousal grief was Loon Litt Woon’s The Way Through the Woods: Of Mushrooms and Mourningwhich ended up being one of my favourite books of 2019. While I didn’t read either of these books for me, they both gave me something invaluable and have helped, even if a little, with my own grief.
Joan and her husband John are experiencing a very difficult time. It’s shortly after Christmas and their only daughter Quintana has fallen deathly ill, from what at first appeared to be the common flu but later turned into septic shock. No one is certain if she is going to make it. After a long day at the hospital, the couple comes home. Joan starts a fire and begins to cook them a meal. John gets up from the couch and, just like that, in an instant, he collapses and dies from a massive coronary thrombosis.
“Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant.”
Joan walks us through her all the disbelief and disillusions she has in trying to cope with the sudden and traumatic passing of her husband in a way that will be all too familiar if you are or have ever dealt with death herself. She calls it the year of magical thinking because it truly took her a year to fully comprehend that her husband was never coming back. Grief is strange and it seems that you’re only able to feel so much at a time for a while because it’s too overwhelming. You logically know that person has passed but you cling to things that don’t make sense anyway. Joan does extensive research about death and grieving to get an idea of what to expect. The information she finds is highly analytical and is an attempt to help make sense of the tragedy she has experienced. This book is not a self-help book that will explain what your feeling or the five stages of grief, but rather a personal story that validates grief along with some analytical research to back it up.
“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband is about to return and need his shoes.”
There were however, some aspects I didn’t connect with while reading this book. Joan and her husband were both writers, successful ones at that too, so there are a variety of specific generational and academic references that I didn’t connect with, so I ended up skimming past them. There is also usually large financial stress that often comes with the passing of a spouse that can compound grief further that either wasn’t discussed in this story or wasn’t an issue for Joan and her family. Perhaps it was a topic that didn’t suit the overall tone of this story.
I took a lot from Joan’s story and I appreciate the efforts she took to explain and detail her grief so that others in her position can feel a little less alone. I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone grieving, no matter what the loss.
“You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice. Until today.”
ebook, 368 pages.
Read from December 4, 2019 to December 8, 2019.
Fuck me. This book… It’s hard to put into words how great this book is and how powerfully awesome it is. When the sexual assault case with Brock Turner was all over the news I remember reading the whole impact statement from the victim, “Emily Doe”, and it hit me, hard. This unbelievable woman spoke the words that every single sexual assault survivor ever wanted to say to their perpetrators and to society. It was the most moving and empowering “fuck you” to rape culture that I’ve ever read.
In this tell-all memoir, Chanel takes you through her whole traumatic experience from start to finish. From what her life was like before the assault, to what she remembers, her experiences in court and how the drawn-out process ravaged chaos on her and family. She describes the disparity in herself as she struggles to bring Chanel and her “Emily Doe” life together. In her day to day life, no one knows she is the “Emily Doe” in this enormous news story that has captured the attention of a nation and many parts of the Western world. Her suffering is immense and so is her family’s. Her name may be protected but her family’s is not. Her sister is hassled continuously by news reporters and due to the nature of the case and her sister’s involvement, the two them cannot even discuss what happened or help each other.
“My pain was never more valuable than his potential.”
What was so important about this trial was that is shed light on rape culture. This is now a term that everyone knows about and it is partially thanks to this trial and because of Chanel’s bravery. Brock’s meagre sentencing, the bias of the judge, and Stanford’s lack of support for Chanel displays how prominent rape culture is ingrained in our society and the disservice it does sexual assault victims. Chanel brings to light that the people that commit sexual assaults are people that you know and often don’t “seem the type” to commit such acts.
“The friendly guy who helps you move and assists senior citizens in the pool is the same guy who assaulted me. One person can be capable of both. Society often fails to wrap its head around the fact that these truths often coexist, they are not mutually exclusive. Bad qualities can hide inside a good person. That’s the terrifying part.”
Chanel’s writing really allows you to step inside of her world and how she and family felt during this whole ordeal. Her writing is potent, very concise, and well-done and I’d be lying if I said I had an easy time putting this book down. Her story left me in awe after finishing it and has sat with me for some time. Chanel is immensely humble of her impact and has used her voice in the most appropriate way. This book is her reclaiming her voice and I hope she fucking makes millions from this novel. Buy this book and share with everyone you know. Do it.
“Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony—Forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy?”
ebook, 240 pages.
Read from October 14, 2019 to October 21, 2019.
I’ve always been fascinated with literature or poetry that’s set during WWI. While all wars have their own atrocities, there is something so raw and personal about WWI since it occurred before many of the modern technological war advances that we saw in WWII and beyond. Why it took me so long to read this novel, which could be considered the canon of WWI novels, I don’t know.
Erich Maria Remarque was conscripted into the German army November 1916 at 18 years of age where he served in a variety of areas including the Western Front, where the main outbreak of the war took place. For the publication of this novel, he changed his middle name to honour his mother and had previously published works under the name of Erich Remark (his family name had been changed to this by his grandfather in the 19th century). This novel was published in 1929 and alludes to Erich’s experiences of turmoil, distress, trauma, and detachment that he may have experienced, either first or second hand, while serving in WWI. Erich was injured by some shrapnel in late July 1917 where he spent the remainder of the war recovering from his wounds before being demobilised. While he may not have served long, he was able to take his own experiences as well as listen to the stories of many of the injured around him to create this novel.
This novel follows a young man named Paul, who like the author, is serving on the Western Front of WWI. The group of young men voluntarily sign up to join the war efforts without knowing what they were getting into. The camaraderie between the young men is strong and intense and the writing illuminates and does justice to these unique friendships. Paul loses many of his friends and company and the author spares no details in the grittiness of the war and the conditions that Paul and his company had to endure. This also includes the few breaks in which he was able to go back home for a short time and realising that he cannot connect to those around him anymore. Paul also reflects that the war, if he survives it, has robbed him and all the other men of his age of a future they can no longer envision.
Of all the scenes, there is one that stuck out and that I will never forget, and that is when Paul has to kill a man in very close combat. The scene is so visceral that I’m sure I was holding my breath when I read it. The scene was so well executed that it makes me wonder if the author himself experienced something similar during his time or if a fellow soldier left the same impression on him after a recounting.
Regardless of how involved the author was in the war himself, he took the time to gather experiences and wrote the novel that summed up a generation of soldiers and an unforgettably gruesome and personal war. This is a novel that should be a required read for generations to come so that the atrocities of WWI and the sacrifices that were made will never be forgotten.